Choices

Some people believe fate has thrown down a path before them and they just walk a long it. I see that as a bit of a copout. Too often people blame god or some kind of deity when things go wrong, and praise good fortune when things go right. I guess it’s easier that way, if you believe your life’s journey is set in stone and everything happens for a reason then it kind of takes the weight of your shoulders doesn’t it.

It’d be nice to believe that but no, I think we’re a blank canvas to begin with, destined to follow any road that we find. Our life’s journey is governed by nothing more than what we’re given from birth and continuous interactions. It’s a hard concept to accept when life’s not working out how you planned it but simple enough to understand.

Action-reaction, basic cause and effect principles govern everything. This fact doesn’t change whether there is a divine god moving us like chess pieces. What we experience down here on earth is just a result of choices and circumstances. Every new interaction changes our course. Thirty seconds sitting at a red light before work tomorrow morning can produce an entirely different day compared to catching a green. You can argue that this is out of your control but don’t forget, you choose to drive, you choose when to leave, you choose to go this way and you decide to go in the first place, who knows what could happen if you decide to pull a sickie. 

Perhaps nothing is really up to us, the decisions aren’t ours and we are really stuck in a ‘Matrix’ scenario. Perhaps God did write the plot from beginning to end, gave everyone a role to play and now he just sits back to watch it unfold like a scripted Big Brother. Kind of makes you wonder then what would the point of life be? 

No-one, including God, would watch a show, when you knew the cast down to each hair fibre, could receipt every line like you’ve heard it all a thousand times and saw the suspenseful twists coming from a mile away.

We humans wouldn’t exist just to fill a bit of space. Each of us have a purpose to fill and as much as I liked to share an epiphany now about the point of life, I can’t because I don’t have one. All I know is that we are our own commander. Who we are and what we become is simply a result of choices and circumstances governed by each of us and the people we choose to have around us. Once you’ve accepted this, and made peace with it, life becomes easier to control and direct.  

Sunrise, sunset

For the last few months I’ve been in a state of blandness. I honestly cannot remember a recent time were I have been truly happy, felt sadness, actual anger or a degree of any real emotion. I set points all the time where I think ‘if I make it to there, then things will start to be better’. 

If I fly down to see my Grandma one more time I’ll feel better, If I just get this assignment done I won’t be so stressed, If I pay off this debt it’ll be alright, If I get those jobs done for mum it’ll make things easier for them, if I.... if I....... if I............ 

 But these personal goals come and go without causing any kind of impact. I feel no change and see no difference. I feel lifeless, like an empty shell that wakes up only to move through the motions and then retreat back to my room of solace.

I have purpose and potential, I can see finishes and a future but it all seems so elusive. Every day I consider what it would be like to just go. I don’t even know where but the thought alone provides the only escape I’ve felt for a while. And it’s not like I even have anything that I should run from. There are problems in my life now that are difficult to deal with but none of them are really mine. Running away from this life would be abandoning an existence that half the world’s population would envy.

I’m white, educated, loved and while I often use the words poor uni student I really know nothing of what it is to actually be poor. To only be surviving day by day and fall asleep dreading tomorrow’s struggle.

As dark as these words may be, I know I’ll be alright because I still look forward to tomorrow. What troubles me the most is what will happen when I get there? When I’ve finally put these testing times behind me, what then? Will I just wake up one morning and feel normal again? How will I know when my laugh is actually my laugh and not just another facade?

It’s been so long since I’ve felt what I remember to be real emotion that I’m afraid I won’t even realise it. I’m afraid I’ve lost who I use to be. The person I see in the mirror doesn’t care as much as he used to. He is no longer me. Something has to change and I hope it does. This stupor can’t last forever.

Food for thought

Freshly graduated from uni I’ve had a few hard choices recently that could have an indefinite impact on my life. These kind of decisions are still rare to me at such a young age and I’ve definitely began to feel the burden of the future. During the moments of my last difficult decision my mind made its own vote clear by flashing back to some wisdom from one of dad’s stories.

As family favourites go, at a young age dad’s tales were only beaten by a Kinder Surprise chocolate, but disappointingly just as rare. However, this particular one has never left me and I hope it never does.

Grandpa owned many acres and grew all kinds of fruit and veg, but it was the orange trees that dad and his brothers were always guilty of stripping dry. The brightest and juiciest were high currency and there were plenty of them. The four boys would go through dozens in a day, devouring enough for three meals, but not one got eaten.    

You see, oranges are the best because they offer all the advantages of things to throw at your brother, small explosion, stinging sensation and sticky clothes. The long walk home from the bus stop trailed alongside the orchid making it venerable ammunition. Everyday lines would be drawn in the sand and afternoon commuters would witness the closest thing to a world war since the last.

Within a matter of minutes small gamely quarrels would escalates into absolute carnage. Drivers frequently pulled over in an attempt to calm the orange rain, only to be laughed off by four carefree faces.  Inevitably they hit a car one day, straight on the windscreen and out hops a creature that could go toe to toe with Mohammed Ali. Furious the man screamed at the boys instantly freezing them with fear.

My oldest uncle Rob, age thirteen at the time, took the rap for it even though he didn’t make the throw. It took him 2 months of chores to pay for the damage and not once did he ask any of his brothers to chip in.  After he’d saved enough money grandpa made all four brothers take it to the man personally so they can apologies. Still haunted by nightmares from the last encounter they were petrified to say the least (and for good reason, two years later the man was sent off to jail on assault charges.)

The exchange was incident free thankfully but not without a few vulgar words sprayed over boys to cut them down like machine gun fire. Miserable and regretful the brothers marched along the road home without a word.

Nearing home dad was lost to his thoughts until he got a rude shock from a thud to his lower back. Spinning around he sees Rob standing there with the cheesiest of grins and a fresh orange in each hand. My dad blurted “are you mad! Why did you do that?”

 “why not,” was Rob’s exact reply.

Dad was stunned by Rob’s logic after all that had happened. Closely watched by the two youngest brothers he slowly turned back around and continued walking, still unsure how to react. Dad knew he’d get the belt if they were caught doing it again and if they hit another car it really wouldn’t be worth going home at all. His common sense was screaming to walk on but dad didn’t even make five steps before he scooped up an orange and in one fluid motion flung it at Rob. The throw went wildly astray but it didn’t matter, the statement was clear.

I have never really got a specific answer out of dad about why he decided to throw the orange. They did end up getting the belt that night but grandpa’s the only one who remembers that part of the story, and nearly 40 years on the brothers still muck about with oranges at family gatherings. 

I guess this is just another one of those ‘life’s too short’ stories but it helps me to remember that no one really knows what might happen in the future, near or far, so why spend time worrying about it and  miss out on all the fun now.

iFollow

It's my third eye, loudest voice and most receptive ear.  I've laughed with it, learned from it, been upset by it and even hit it (only to apologies a second later). It wakes by my side and watches over me as I drift to sleep. I am of course talking about my iPhone. Thanks to the genius of the late Steve Jobs, to whom the modern techno world owes big, this device is as much a part of my life as me.

Resembling a global invasion the iPhone swiftly took over the population of nearly every country in the world, not many brands can claim such a feat. Its attraction based on a global trend. The iPhone’s success can be summed up by one of its advertising slogans.

‘If you don’t have an iPhone, well, you don’t have an iPhone’ (youtube it)

A simple enough message, but effective beyond belief. However for all of the phone’s idolised brilliance, it isn’t really that brilliant. There’s a number of smart phones that better it in every aspect, yet against all logic, I didn’t get one of those, as a matter of fact I didn’t even look at another option.

I knew the iPhone was sure to crash numerous times, like I know Coronas aren’t a good tasting beer, Coca-Cola rot’s my teeth, Nike shoes fund child labour and Ray Bans were designed for girls with shoulder pads and ankle warmers. But still, they’re in my fridge, my closet and displayed right on my face. So like the iPhone and so many other brands, how do they do it?

Branding? Advertising? Marketing? Yes they conjure the desire for a product but I didn’t just want the iPhone..... I needed it. It comes down to a combination of globalisation and an innate desire to belong. We are essentially pack animals. Don’t believe me? Well watch the David Attenborough documentary. We have a natural instinct to conform and as the world slowly struggles toward solidarity it’s becoming more and more obvious.

I didn’t want this phone for its features or applications. I needed this phone because my friends had it, because everyone had it or at least I believed so. I needed this phone like I needed that last tequila shot on Saturday night, all my mates were lining one up so it must be a good idea. The hangover's a cracked screen and an app the crashes my phone daily but it doesn't matter because If you don’t have an iPhone, well, you don’t have an iPhone.

And I love this concept, it ‘s what I plan to build a profession on. You can’t be angry at the idea, it’s built into us to keep the world rolling on. Imagine if the guy that invented the wheel showed it off to his mates and they didn’t feel the need to get one? As soon as we stop needing what our neighbours have, the world will stop progressing.

Not another attempt to be philosophical.

To be honest I’ve got a few of these backed up now, some finished, some started and some just with a title and an idea, but I’m sure I’ll run out of inspiration soon so why scull when you can savour.

Half the time they’re started because I’ve had a thought that’s worth rumbling on about or I’m in some foul mood over something pointless. Like yesterday I saw a guy’s teeth literally kicked out of his head on a kids’ TV show, seriously society, what the fuck! But I’m sure I’ll get to that another time. 

Basically this little piece is a quick thank you before the next thing comes along to steal your attention. For some reason nearly 200 of you have checked out this blog over the past few weeks, some have even made the mistake of coming back and I appreciate it.  It’s half the reason I’m still doing it (the other half is because I’m an exceptional procrastinator when it comes to uni). However this is a little more than just a pat on your back.

Right now my life is in limbo. After 17 years of ABCs, attendance roles , times tables, Shakespeare poems, libraries, lectures and tutorials I’m about to finish my education and enter the ‘real world’, beginning a new era away from the safety and security of the familiar and the Sunshine Coast.

The original plan would’ve seen me settling into Hamilton Island for a two month stint before moving down to the only place I love more than home, Melbourne.  However, as some of you know life’s thrown a few curve balls my way to rattle the cage and disturb my balance. So I’m on a new path, one that’s faithfully followed not built. The end goal remains the same but beyond the next 3 weeks there are no plans.

Yet this uncertainty has given me time to reflect, look back on a life I’m so thankful to have lived and yesterday I realised the obvious. It’s the people in my life that have made it so wonderful, the friendship we’ve built, times we’ve shared and stories we’ll never tell. I’m not going to say I have no regrets or wish things weren’t different now but as I hopefully stare at a formless future, I can look back on a past with contentment and be happy to have shared it with all of you. 

So here’s to the future, may I not fuck it up.

the R word

I'd consider myself a religious man, but not by standard definition.

Growing up I was lucky enough to have a very diverse family, attend a Lutheran school and be loved by a mum that is borderline spiritually fanatic. So the abundance of religious beliefs I’ve witnessed have all been thrown into a blender and out came my delicious perception of God.               He exists, or rather, it exists.

 (I’m about to go off on a wild tangent here, but bear with me)

Just think for a moment what it would be like if there was no good, if we had no concept of morality or righteousness. Would that make life bad all the time? But then if there was no good, how could we even fathom what bad is? And if you look at it from the other point of view, if there was no bad, would that make your life only different shades of good? But good compared to what? Let’s face it, good relies on bad as bad relies on good. Like weights on a pivot they coincide, slowly swaying back and forth with the motions of life.

To me good is God. Even if there is no “God” we’d still have good. So I believe God represents the good in people and if you want a role model, as the scriptures read, you can’t find a better bloke than God. In the same perception, evil is the devil. You know that if the devil didn’t exist, evil still would.

So if you haven’t picked up on what I’m saying, to me, God is a face given to the opinion of good.

The only way I can think of explaining it, is if you imagine you’re six years old again, tucked up in bed, waiting for dreams filled with play dough and Pokémon. Creaks and scratches suddenly startle you. Realising it’s coming from the cupboard you instinctively think it’s the Boogieman, giving the fear a face.

 It sounds silly now but that nightmare-ish creature is how you imagined fear, without the fear taking a physical form, you couldn’t see it in your head. You can’t imagine nothing. And with a firm grip on teddy, when you eventually muster the courage to open the cupboard and nothing jumps from the depths, it doesn’t matter, because the seed is planted, when you hear that noise again back comes the Boogieman.

To me God exists in the same presence that the Boogieman does, except on a far grander scale. God is how we see good, not acts of goodness like charity and compassion but the actual form of good.

So even if I don’t believe in God, I believe in the good he represents. Whether like me, you see that as religious or not is entirely up to you. But then again, religion is merely a person’s perception anyway and I guess you’ll never know if I’m right or wrong until it doesn’t matter.

Genesis

So with no task set, no academic criteria and nothing to subliminally sell, I have to admit I found it difficult to begin this new post. Wondering what to do I had a browse of some other random blogs only to find out a good 50% is absolute boring bullocks and the rest is a labyrinth of messy feelings and heated topics. However, there are a few gems amongst the shambles, but perhaps they're better left unmentioned until I get better at this blogging thing (don't want my two followers ditching me for an upgrade just yet).

So here I am back at the beginning without a clue for a beginning, which leaves me with only one idea, to write about, what I don't want to write about.

My life.

But first I think it's important to set some principles, just to keep us both on the same page. This will not be my diary, I'm not going to confess my love for Billie Jean or get on here to have a bitch about this weeks X-Factor results (I'd marry Mel B).

I aim to inspire thought and fuel passion. I want to educate but in a manner that achieves that priceless awwWWww moment and leaves you feeling like you did back in kindergarten, when you first figured out the square peg doesn't actually fit in the round hole.

But can I deliver?

Probably not, I guess we'll just have to wait and see