Sunrise, sunset

For the last few months I’ve been in a state of blandness. I honestly cannot remember a recent time were I have been truly happy, felt sadness, actual anger or a degree of any real emotion. I set points all the time where I think ‘if I make it to there, then things will start to be better’. 

If I fly down to see my Grandma one more time I’ll feel better, If I just get this assignment done I won’t be so stressed, If I pay off this debt it’ll be alright, If I get those jobs done for mum it’ll make things easier for them, if I.... if I....... if I............ 

 But these personal goals come and go without causing any kind of impact. I feel no change and see no difference. I feel lifeless, like an empty shell that wakes up only to move through the motions and then retreat back to my room of solace.

I have purpose and potential, I can see finishes and a future but it all seems so elusive. Every day I consider what it would be like to just go. I don’t even know where but the thought alone provides the only escape I’ve felt for a while. And it’s not like I even have anything that I should run from. There are problems in my life now that are difficult to deal with but none of them are really mine. Running away from this life would be abandoning an existence that half the world’s population would envy.

I’m white, educated, loved and while I often use the words poor uni student I really know nothing of what it is to actually be poor. To only be surviving day by day and fall asleep dreading tomorrow’s struggle.

As dark as these words may be, I know I’ll be alright because I still look forward to tomorrow. What troubles me the most is what will happen when I get there? When I’ve finally put these testing times behind me, what then? Will I just wake up one morning and feel normal again? How will I know when my laugh is actually my laugh and not just another facade?

It’s been so long since I’ve felt what I remember to be real emotion that I’m afraid I won’t even realise it. I’m afraid I’ve lost who I use to be. The person I see in the mirror doesn’t care as much as he used to. He is no longer me. Something has to change and I hope it does. This stupor can’t last forever.